Surviving Divorce
People do it all the time, but when it happens to you, it feels like you are the only person to ever go through it. If you happened across my website, I want to share some of the best ways through it I found. It's advice for the emotional parts of divorce. I have no advice on the legal parts other than try to work out your agreement before seeing a lawyer. We did. Four months from decision to divorce -- and far less cost.
Best advice I received
1. Time to start thinking with your head and not your heart (when you know you are divorcing, set the emotions aside and deal with them later... you need your wits about you to divorce well.)
2. Take the high road. Keep your mouth shut. Put every angry thought into a journal (first journal I ever kept consistently... lots of anger!!). Don't give the ex any justification for their bad behavior.
3. Pay extra attention driving or anything else dangerous. You think you're fine, but you're not.
and my own personal life motto:
4. Living well is the best revenge.
2. Take the high road. Keep your mouth shut. Put every angry thought into a journal (first journal I ever kept consistently... lots of anger!!). Don't give the ex any justification for their bad behavior.
3. Pay extra attention driving or anything else dangerous. You think you're fine, but you're not.
and my own personal life motto:
4. Living well is the best revenge.
Best self-help reading
There are many books on divorce. Most seem to follow the formula for grieving: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Books built around that 5-stage process can be really useful, but for me, "Uncoupling" was my pivotal read. When divorce catches you by surprise, this book explains so much. It didn't tell me why this was happening to me, but it eerily knew how it happened -- in amazing detail. Author Diane Vaughan starts out at the point in the relationship where someone has a secret: "Uncoupling begins with a secret. One of the partners starts to feel uncomfortable in the relationship...its cause and moment of origin may be unclear." The author researched all kinds of breakups and found patterns. I came to understand that by the time the partner finds out the initiator is unhappy, the partner has already 'left the room'. This is part of what makes so many divorces so ugly. The initiator has already built a new life and the partner is only finding out they apparently need one too. The other big thing I learned was how the initiator, in order to justify to his/herself what he/she is doing, rewrites the past. A story is told of one woman whose husband said he never really loved her and when she held up years of love letters saying otherwise, he had no response. Every divorce is different, but I recommend this book.
A close friend recommended this book. It can be read cover-to-cover in about 3 hours. Or, you can pick it up, leaf through anywhere and read a section that catches your eye. Each 'chapter' is two pages long. On the left-facing page is a handful of bullet points on subjects ranging from Surviving to Healing to Growing. And on each right-facing page is a sometimes poignant, sometimes funny short poem. Example: "She asked me if seeing you was a drain. Seeing you is not a drain. It's a sewer."
Best web resource
Men will never admit they are having a midlife crisis, but if you suspect as much, check out this website, The Midlife Club. It was very validating. The Midlife Club had two things of great value. If you’re a woman dealing with your husband’s issues or a man in crisis, read HIS Midlife Crisis! A real ah-ha moment for me.
And if you like online, anonymous support, join the Midlife Forum. It is the heart of this website —and it is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Because members come from around the globe, there is usually always someone online to respond to emergency posts or people chatting in one of the various chat rooms. There is no cost to join but you have to register in order to read, post, or chat.
Depends on your personality, but I only visited the forum in small doses... it can be very depressing. Some of the stories you will hear about are horrendous. It actually made me realize 'how good I had it' -- strange as that sounds, because there is nothing good about your spouse having a midlife crisis.
And if you like online, anonymous support, join the Midlife Forum. It is the heart of this website —and it is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Because members come from around the globe, there is usually always someone online to respond to emergency posts or people chatting in one of the various chat rooms. There is no cost to join but you have to register in order to read, post, or chat.
Depends on your personality, but I only visited the forum in small doses... it can be very depressing. Some of the stories you will hear about are horrendous. It actually made me realize 'how good I had it' -- strange as that sounds, because there is nothing good about your spouse having a midlife crisis.
Best Going-Through-a-Divorce Music (mostly country)
mix or match depending on your mood
LIVE STRONG!
White Liar, Miranda Lambert Learning to Live Again, Garth Brooks Wrong Baby Wrong Baby Wrong, Martina McBride Broken, Lindsey Haun Lesson In Leaving', Jo Dee Messina Pray for You, Jaron & the Long Road to Love Anyway, Martina McBride The Dance, Garth Brooks She Won't Be Lonely Long, Clay Walker Lord I Hope This Day is Good, Don Williams They Rage On, Dan Seals Someday We'll Be Together, Vonda Shepard Half Your Age, Kid Rock I Won't Let Go, Rascal Flatts We Shall Be Free, Garth Brooks The Climb, Miley Cyrus Love Lives On, Mallary Hope Consider Me Gone, Reba McEntire A Little Bit Stronger, Sara Evans Staying's Worse Than Leaving, Sunny Sweeney Bless the Broken Road, Rascal Flatts I Know Him By Heart, Vonda Shepard Ain't No Mountain High Enough, Marvin Gaye Spirit In The Sky, Norman Greenbaum |